How Will I Get Through the Holidays?
12 Ideas
For Those Whose Loved One Has Died
 
1)                  Accept the likelihood of your pain.
Remember, your pain is a sign you have been blessed to be close to another person. You have loved and you’ve been loved. The hurt you feel is an indication of your wonderful humanness, your sensitivity, and your openness.
 
2)                  Reel whatever it is you feel.
Some people may try to hurry you through your grief. As much as you can, own up to the fact that something terribly important has happened in your life, that this naturally causes a reaction within you. People generally feel sadness, depression, anxiety, fear, anger, guilt, or apathy and numbness.
 
3)                  Express your emotions.
“Give sorrow words: the grief that does not speak Whispers the o’er-fraught heart and bids it break.” Shakespeare
“Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.” Jesus
 
4)                  Plan ahead.
You can give thought to how you will cope with those parts of your celebration that are especially emotionally laden, or how you will handle those tasks or roles that were the special responsibility of your loved one.
 
5)                  Take charge where you can.
Keep in mind ways you can assume some control over your life. Eating healthy, exercising, and proper sleep are actions you can take to take care of your self. Practice those disciplines that bring you energy.
 
6)                  Turn to others for support.
 
7)                  Be gentle with yourself.
Rest. Avoid committing yourself to doing more than you have the physical and psychological energy to handle. You may desire more time in solitude or in nature.
 
8)                  Remember to remember.
 
9)                  Search out and count your blessings.
  
10)              Do something for others.
 
11)              Give voice to your soul.
  
12)              Harbor hope.

************************************************

************************************************

************************************************

We are Still Getting Married

Stewart A. Jackson, D. Min., LMFT - United Methodist Pastoral Care and Counseling, Inc

 

The first congregation I served was in a rural area of the south and filled with hard working, straight talking farmers.  There was one couple, the oldest in the community, who were the unofficial leaders of the church and the county.  Once while visiting, I asked when they had married.  They both replied that when it came to marriage, after 62 years, they were still working on it.  I liked that.  The statement, “We are still getting married”, is true for all married couples from wedding night to Golden anniversary.   United Methodist Pastoral Care and Counseling offers marriage enrichment seminars, counsels with individuals and couples, and leads workshops on healthy relationships.  For more than 35 years, one of our guiding principles has been: when a couple leaves the wedding ceremony, they are beginning of the process of “being married”, not finalizing the marriage.

This is very different from the common perception.  The idea that once the wedding is over, a couple is “married” is more the norm in our culture.  Questions like, “Are you married yet?” and “How long have you been married?” are often asked. At one level these questions are harmless. But at another level they carry the germ of an idea that is oppressive when the honeymoon is over and a couple is doing its best to live lovingly with each other. 

It matters how one thinks about any relationship, especially one as important as marriage.  Marriage is a relationship that develops slowly over time and all couples must find their own pace.  One of the most important factors in the process is the amount of time the couple spends together.   Couples who make time for each other daily have a very different sense of their marriage compared to couples who only see each other in passing.  Like playing an instrument, the music is always sweeter if the musician and the instrument spend time together.

All the world’s religions honor marriage in one way or another.  For Christians, marriage is a sacrament for many and sacred for all others.   In Christian services of marriage, the officiant usually reminds us that marriage represents the covenant that exists between Christ and His church.  Since we are still working on that relationship in many and various ways, it makes sense to me that we also have a lot to learn about being married.

I admire the courage of couples who come to our offices to work on their marriage.  Our culture puts little value on building a relationship because we have this expectation that after the wedding the couple is “supposed to be married”.  Living under this oppressive expectation partners begin to “expect” their spouse to act, feel, or be differently.  “You are supposed to be my (fill in husband, wife, partner).”  And often we hold our partner to higher standards than we practice ourselves.  The truth of the matter is that after the wedding the marriage is just beginning. 

When couples allow their marriage to develop at their own pace, their attitudes change.  Then they are on the same team.  Their attitude becomes “we are both working on this relationship as best as we can and if we get stuck, there are people and resources that can help us”.  And that is a step in a healthy direction.

Stresses from outside the marriage stunt many couples, and dealing with the stresses of marriage is my next article.   I believe stress is a central issue in most marriages and managing it is a major task for every marriage. 

I wish you deep joy in your marriage.  Keep growing with each other and talk to each other like you are best friends.